Things Billy Kaplan is Not Allowed to Do
by K. A. Maples
Summary: This is what happens when you combine RPGing yarpg, the Skippy List, loads of fan fiction, and my warped little brain. Anyone who cares to add on to the list is free to do so, and shall be credited.


1. Should not tell Captain America that my long term goals include taking over the world with my army of flying monkeys.  
2. Not allowed to stalk Spider-Man.  
3. Not allowed to beg for autographs from any Avenger, both current and former.  
4. Not allowed to take incriminating photos of the Avengers.  
5. Not allowed to Photoshop incriminating photos of the Avengers.  
6. Not allowed to create incriminating photos of the Avengers using magic.  
7. Not allowed to hide the Cheezits from Iron Man.  
8. Not allowed to shave Wolverine and sell the hair.  
9. Not allowed to make Wolverine voodoo dolls from aforementioned hair.  
10. Not allowed to lock Eli and Kate into a closet together.  
11. Not allowed to lock Vision and Cassie into a closet together.  
12. Not allowed to lock myself and Teddy into a closet together.  
12b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by amarinrose )  
13. Not allowed to lock Captain America and Iron Man into a closet together.  
14. Not allowed to turn Vision into a toad.  
15. Not allowed to throw Toad Vision at a wall to break the spell because Cassie refuses to kiss him.  
16. Not allowed to turn Eli into a toad.  
17. Not allowed to throw Toad Eli at a wall to break the spell because Kate refuses to kiss him.  
18. Not allowed to take advantage of Teddy while he sleeps and draw things on his back.  
18b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by amarinrose )  
19. Not allowed to write Property of Billy Kaplan anywhere on Teddy.  
19b. Not even if Teddy doesn't mind (added by amarinrose )  
20. My code name is Wiccan, not Princess Anastasia.  
21. Not allowed to threaten allies with magic.  
22. Not allowed to zap people just because they've annoyed me.  
23. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul.  
24. Not allowed to let hand puppets take responsibility for my actions.  
24b. Not even if I use magic to make the hand puppets responsible for said actions. (added by amarinrose )  
25. Not allowed to sing High Speed Dirt by Megadeath while flying anyone around.  
26. Body paint is not a uniform (no matter how much Teddy likes it).  
26b. Nor is chocolate body-sauce.  
27. It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission no longer applies to Billy Kaplan.  
28. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.  
29. Mimes are not supervillains, and I am not allowed to treat them as such.  
30. Not allowed to use my powers to randomly squish things.  
30b. Not even if there is another insect/arachnid infestion. In that case, call an exterminator. (added by amarinrose )  
31. Crucifixes do not ward of Captain America and I am not allowed to test this.  
31b. Norse sigils infused with my magic will ward off Thor, but I should not test this. (added by amarinrose )  
32. Not allowed to emulate the Full Monty whenever Hot Stuff is playing, no matter how much Teddy likes it.  
33. Not allowed to zap children for being rude.  
34. Not allowed to perform lap dances for Teddy while in uniform.  
35. It counts if I take off the uniform during the course of the lap dance.  
36. Not allowed to make Tommy mute (no matter how much Wolverine offers to pay me).  
37. Not allowed to use my powers to trip Tommy when he is running.  
38. Not allowed to throw up force fields in front of Tommy when he is running.  
39. Not allowed to shave Tommy bald.  
40. Not allowed to dye Tommy's hair pink.  
41. Not allowed to have anything to do with Tommy.  
41b. Never mind that he might be my twin brother. (added by amarinrose )  
42. Not allowed to hunt down the Super Skrull.  
43. Not allowed to declare war on the Kree Empire.  
44. Should not refer to Kate as our Sugar Mama.  
45. Should not refer to Iron Man as our Sugar Daddy.  
46. Should not refer to Iron Man as Spider-Man's Sugar Daddy.  
47. Not allowed to make out with Teddy at the Lair.  
48. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the training room of the Avengers Tower.  
49. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the den of the Avengers Tower.  
50. Not allowed to make out with Teddy in the kitchen of the Avengers tower.  
51. Not allowed to make out with Teddy for the sole purpose of weirding Tommy out.  
52. Not allowed to make out with Teddy anywhere Captain America can see us.  
53. Not allowed to point out how much more advanced Vision is than anything Iron Man has made, as it only makes him cry.  
54. Not allowed to get into trouble with the law just so I can get She-Hulk to be my lawyer so I can get her autograph.  
55. Not allowed to beg Wolverine to get me the autographs of the following X-Men: Nightcrawler, Beast, Northstar, Angel, Gambit, Cannonball, Storm, Colossus.

Added by thebumpercar on 04-14-06  
56. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when Teddy's around.  
57. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when MJ's around.  
58. Not allowed to stare at Spiderbutt when Tony Stark's around.  
59. Not allowed to try to break-up Peter and MJ's marriage.  
60. Not allowed to try to break-up Peter and Tony.

Added by amarinrose on 4-14-06  
61. Not allowed to fake someone else's autograph and sell it.  
62. Not allowed to sell my own autograph (not even if I give the money to charity).  
63. Not allowed to use my powers to win a charity marathon.  
64. Not allowed to start a metahumans-only charity marathon (not even if everyone but Iron Man thinks the idea rocks).  
65. Not allowed to be pissy when Tony Stark starts a metahumans-only charity marathon and use magic to give him a wedgie in the middle of his welcoming speech on live television.  
66. Not allowed to use magic to give anyone a wedgie.  
67. Not allowed to use magic to do anything involved with anyone's underwear, not even my own.  
67b. No, not even to do laundry.

Added by violetarrows on 4-14-06  
68. Don't pester Hawkeye about what the term "taut" stand for.

Added by fullmetalcute on 4-14-06  
69. Not allowed to make Zombie jokes about Hawkeye.  
70. Not allowed to make Zombie jokes about Spider-Man.  
71. Not allowed to pretend to be a zombie.  
72. Not allowed to become a zombie.  
73. Not allowed to make zombies.  
74. Not allowed to watch Zombie movies all night long.  
75. Not allowed to refer to Spider-Man as Morlun-Bait.

Added by magus69 on 4-15-06  
76. Not allowed to molest Teddy in the shower.  
76b. No matter how much he begs.  
77. Not allowed to magic anybody's clothes off.  
77b. Not even in battle, when it would serve as a distraction.  
77c. Especially not allowed to 'accidentally' magic Johnny Storm naked.  
77d. Unless Spider-Man or the Thing pay me to do it.  
78. Not allowed to set up video cameras in Cap's or Tony's rooms.  
78b. Not even when Thor comes back and the 'Big Three' consequently boot everyone else out of the Tower.

Added by fullmetalcute on 4-17-06  
79. Not allowed to throw Tommy off the top of the Avengers Tower to see if speedsters bounce.  
80. Not allowed to join the Runaways.  
81. Not allowed to join Excelsior.  
82. Not allowed to stalk Ricochet.  
83. Not allowed to stalk Rick Jones.  
84. Not allowed to ask Wolverine for Anole's number.  
85. Not allowed to call Vision 'Hal'.  
86. Vision is not one of the Borg.  
87. Not allowed to stalk Johnny Depp.  
88. My name is not a killing word.  
89. I should not play into Sentry's delusion of the moment.  
90. Not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy.  
91. Turning gay bashers into pink badgers is not superhero behavior.  
92. Not allowed to become Dr. Doom's apprentice.  
93. Not allowed to stalk Johnny Storm.  
94. Not allowed to ask if all of Mr. Fantastic stretches.  
95. Not allowed to ask if the Thing is rock all over.  
96. Not allowed to give Franklin Richards Mountain Dew.  
97. Not allowed to give Tommy Mountain Dew.  
98. Starbucks cards are not appropriate presents for Tommy.  
99. Not allowed to switch Wolverine's coffee with motor oil.  
100. Not allowed to turn Eli into a girl, no matter how much Kate pays me.  
101. I should not encourage Vision's delusion that the computers are trying to get him into a dress.  
102. Not allowed to taunt Tommy with coffee.  
103. Not allowed to give Tommy Pixi Stix  
104. Not allowed to have Pixi Stix  
105. Not allowed to model myself after Loki  
106. Not allowed to become a supervillain.  
107. Not allowed to encourage Tommy to become a supervillain.  
108. Not allowed to pounce on Johnny Storm when he comes to visit Spider-Man.  
109. Not allowed to carve BK+TA on the side of the Tower.  
110. Not allowed to carve EB+KB on the side of the Tower.  
111. Not allowed to carve PP+MJW on the side of the Tower, no matter how much Mary Jane pays me.  
112. Not allowed to carve PP+TS on the side of the Tower.  
113. I am not immune to Cassie's pout.  
114. Not allowed to zap Cassie's step-dad.  
115. Not allowed to zap Kat Ferrel.  
116. Not allowed to taunt Kat Ferrel.  
117. Not allowed to talk to Kat Ferrel.  
118. Not allowed to help Vision on his quest for hormones.  
119. Not allowed to set fire to St. Patrick's Cathedral.  
120. Not allowed to shout "Aunt May and Jarvis!" around Spider-Man no matter how much Mary Jane pays me.  
121. The moldy piece of cheese in the back of the fridge is not my familiar. 122. His name is Albert, and he belongs to Spider-Man.  
123. I am not the King of the Forest, and the squirrels and chipmunks are not mine to command.  
124. It does not matter how cute it would be, how much Cassie begs, or how much Kate pays me. I am not allowed to turn Tommy into a giant rabbit.

Added by thebumpercar on 4-18-06  
125. Not allowed to stare at Jessica Drew's boobies.  
125b. Especially if they just might scare me straight.  
126. Not allowed to make "Hard out here for a pimp" jokes around Luke Cage.  
127. Not allowed to magic a pimp hat onto Luke Cage.  
128. Not allowed to magic a pimp cane onto Luke Cage.  
129. Not allowed to touch things in Dr. Strange's lair.  
130. Even if they ask me to touch them.  
131. Attempting to pirate Wong to be my personal henchman is very rude.  
132. Attempting to magically brainwash Tommy to be my personal henchman is dangerous.  
133. Not allowed to play with the Sentry's reflection.  
134. Not allowed to join the Masters of Evil.  
135. Not allowed to join the Thunderbolts.  
136. Not allowed to mock the Great Lakes Avengers.  
137. I may be distantly related via marriage to the Inhuman Royal Family, but I may not claim to be royalty.  
138. I will not zap Tommy when he calls me a princess.

Added by darkpike on 6-23-06  
139. The phrase Fag-Hag is not to be used at Mary Jane, and webbing is not a sex toy

Added by fullmetalcute on 6-23-06  
140. The Kree are not after Teddy for breeding purposes.  
141. Not allowed to threaten to pull a Phoenix if the Skrull or the Kree so much as look at Teddy funny.  
142. Not allowed to reshape reality as I see fit.  
142a. Even if my mother did it. (added by saturnshikari)  
142b. Even if she wasn't really my mothermother  
142c. Even if it means Teddy and I get to share a bedroom.  
142d. Especially if it means Teddy and I share a bedroom.  
143. Not allowed to find out how much duct tape it takes to stick someone to a wall.  
144. Not allowed to turn anyone into a duct tape mummy.  
145. Not allowed to try anything I saw on The Red Green Show.  
146. Not allowed to have duct tape.

Added by saturnshikari 6-23-06  
147. Not allowed to change Eli into a girl.  
147a. "Because he made Teddy shapeshift into a girl!" is not a good excuse  
147b. Even if Teddy's stuck like that for a week.  
148. Even if Kate really really doesn't mind.  
148b. Especially if Kate doesn't mind and holds girl!Eli hostage in the hotub.  
148c. Even if Eli doesn't mind and pays me.  
148d. Not allowed to give Tommy a video camera.


End file.
